The Connected Living Institute
If you are looking for help in you relationships, you area at the right place. At The Connected Living Institute, we specialize in couples therapy. We really focus on what's happening in the present moment. This heightened awareness can be integral to fostering self-discovery, managing emotions, and leading to positive change. It's not just about tweaking behaviors; we dive deep into how you see and show yourself to the world. This makes the transformation go beyond the surface – it's about something more profound.
Whether you're wrestling with inner conflicts like anxiety, sadness, grief, anger, especially where it involves your partner, think of me as your personal couples guide through the twists and turns of these emotions. There's a route to safety, security, and hope, and I'm here to walk it with you.
We can make it there together.
About Me
Hi, I'm Vanesa Art, MS, LPC
I love working with couples. If you have come looking for help with your relationship, you are in the right place. Everyone is looking for something just a little bit different when they come to couple’s counseling. It may feel like you are stuck with no place left to go. It may feel like your relationship is in pieces with no clear path how to put it back together. You may feel like you can’t survive one more fight like the one you guys just had, or it might feel like you can’t suffer in silence anymore. Whether it feels like you are constantly fighting, or it feels like you are “room mates”, I can help.
Let’s Talk
“New beginnings start with knowing how we create the trap that we are caught in, how we have deprived ourselves of the love we need. Strong bonds grow from resolving to halt the cycles of disconnection, the dances of distress.”
--Dr. Sue Johnson
Blog
Redefining Stress: The Sacred Path to Self-Discovery and Empowerment Hey everyone, I’m writing this blog post for myself, and you’re all welcome to join the ride. We're in the thick of the holiday hustle – chaos, shopping sprees, social events – and to top it off, we're wrapping up the year, reflecting on goals, accomplishments, and that ever-looming question: Did I really achieve everything I set out to do? The queries keep coming, revolving around self-evaluation and the daunting task of getting things done. On a personal note, I'm launching my own practice and brand. It's a thrilling process, and I can genuinely say I’m enjoying it. I recently shared this excitement with a friend, who dropped a term that caught me off guard – "eustress." Turns out, it means beneficial stress. I dove into it while prepping for this post and found Faller and Wright backing up the idea that focusing on growth and benefits can turn stress into eustress (2016). Andrew Huberman and Robert Greene, in a recent podcast, touched on anxiety as the difference between alive thinking and dead thinking. Embracing stress, choosing to accept it rather than resist it, can lead to a more alive and creative thinking process. But before this sounds like another positive psychology spiel – something I'm not a huge fan of – let me make it clear: I validate ALL feelings. Even the so-called "negative" ones have their place in our experience. So, the first step to turning stress into eustress, according to Faller and Wright, is to acknowledge it, name it, and then reframe it (2016). The Stress-Enhancing Mindset: In our fast-paced world, stress is often seen as an unrelenting adversary. However, insights from the Andrew Huberman podcast, coupled with recent studies, propose an alternative perspective – a stress-enhancing mindset. Let's explore the surprising advantages of adopting this mindset, backed by scientific evidence and expert opinions. Improved Performance and Focus: Contrary to common belief, stress can actually enhance performance and focus. Dr. Kelly McGonigal, as discussed in the podcast, explains that viewing stress as a natural response to challenges boosts confidence, leading to improved productivity and sharper focus. Enhanced Resilience: Embracing stress can build resilience. The podcast and studies have shown that moderate stress stimulates the release of oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," fostering social connections and support networks. Creativity and Problem-Solving: A stress-enhancing mindset can fuel creativity and problem-solving. The Andrew Huberman podcast touches on the concept of stress adaptation response, where pressure activates different neural pathways, promoting innovative thinking. Personal Growth and Learning: Seeing stress as an opportunity for growth empowers individuals to embrace challenges. The podcast aligns with studies indicating that a stress-enhancing mindset correlates with continuous learning and proactive self-improvement. Long-Term Health Benefits: Adopting a stress-enhancing mindset can positively impact long-term health. Stanford University's research, mentioned in the podcast, shows that perceiving stress as beneficial leads to healthier cardiovascular responses, reducing the risk of heart disease. While stress often gets a bad rap, embracing a stress-enhancing mindset can be a game-changer. By reframing stress as an opportunity for growth, individuals can experience improved performance, enhanced resilience, heightened creativity, and long-term health benefits. This transformative journey empowers individuals to thrive in the face of challenges and build a more fulfilling life. And hey, remember, moderation is key. Seeking professional advice and practicing self-care are crucial elements of embracing a stress-enhancing mindset. McGonigal, K. (2013). How to make stress your friend [TED Talk]. TEDGlobal. Faller, G. R., & Wright, H. (2016). Sacred stress (1st ed.). Turner Publishing Company. Huberman, A. (Host). (2023,December). Finding Your Purpose. In Huberman Lab Podcast. Publisher. Keller, A., Litzelman, K., Wisk, L. E., Maddox, T., Cheng, E. R., Creswell, P. D., & Witt, W. P. (2012). Does the perception that stress affects health matter? The association with health and mortality. Health Psychology, 31(5), 677–684. Seppälä, E. M., Nitschke, J. B., Tudorascu, D. L., Hayes, A., Goldstein, M. R., Nguyen, D. T., Perlman, D., & Davidson, R. J. (2014). Breathing-based meditation decreases posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms in U.S. military veterans: a randomized controlled longitudinal study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 27(4), 397–405. Pacheco-Unguetti, A. P., Acosta, A., Callejas, A., & Lupiáñez, J. (2010). Attention and anxiety: Different attentional functioning under state and trait anxiety. Psychological Science, 21(2), 298–304. Joëls, M., Pu, Z., Wiegert, O., Oitzl, M. S., & Krugers, H. J. (2006). Learning under stress: how does it work? Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 10(4), 152–158.
Introduction Play is good for you. How do you use your free time? There are so many questions that I can start just shooting off. How do you "play" as an adult and what does that word even mean to you now that you are a "grown up"? When was the last time that you played? What does fun mean to you? When was the last time you laughed so hard that all your worries melted away? I've recently read a book about play entitled Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul by Stuart Brown, MD. First of all, who wouldn't want to engage in something that invigorates the soul? He describes, from a physiological point of view, what is happening in our bodies when we are having fun. Coincidently, Andrew Huberman released a podcast installment solely on play. Furthermore, I use a lot of concepts from the polyvagal theory (an explanation of the response of the autonomic nervous system) in my therapy practice. Okay, so combining these resources, I'm sold on this idea that we need to play as adults as much as children. And that having fun might be seen as a personal responsibility. Let me explain. From a polyvagal theory perspective, engaging in play activates the ventral vagal complex, which is a state of safety and prosocial behavior. When the ventral vagal system is in charge, there is less stress and increased emotional regulation as well as increased cognitive functioning. You can access this all through playing and having fun. I'm going to use some broad strokes to explain. Play uses various parts of the brain, but here are some of the main players: prefrontal cortex (executive functioning) and the amygdala (part of the emotional response system- think fight or flight). There are also neurotransmitters (chemicals released in the brain) such as dopamine and oxytocin. The takeaway that I want to provide you is that your body responds to play, and it responds in a way that is lifegiving. Now, what I really love, connection. Play can be a significant role in connection with anyone that you like, but more importantly, your partner. Because it soothes the amygdala and aids in oxytocin release, play is bonding. Coincidently, that's exactly what I try to do in the therapy room- build safety, which soothes the amygdala and give couples bonding moments oxytocin release. But going to therapy is not necessarily fun. When you engage in play, you are not in a fight/flight/freeze mode. There is more room for creativity and imagination. Especially when you engage in what Andrew Huberman calls, "low stakes play", where you play to explore the outcome. Your brain can change in positive ways that are hard to access in other ways. The skill to use your Imagination has been shown to increase empathy- which is another essential element for connection (Gregory et al., 2023. A word of caution, in emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we save the suggestions or the solutions like date night and shared hobbies until the end of the therapy. Often couples will start therapy with the solution that date night is what is needed. However, that can sound blaming or taxing or overly simplistic to the other partner. If you and your partner have had conflict over such solutions, it's hard to engage in a low stakes play state. And whatever activity you engage in won't have the same effect. From a therapeutic approach, after the negative interaction cycle has been established and bonds have been restructured, then comes the opportunity to focus on fun- even fun in the bedroom. With that being said, go have some fun. If there is something that you know that you and your partner have fun doing, go do it. Your body will thank you. References Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Avery. Gregory, A. J. P., Bartz, J. A., O’Connor, B. B., & Sheldon, S. (2023). From memory to motivation: Probing the relationship between episodic simulation, empathy, and helping intentions. _Emotion_, No Pagination Specified-No Pagination Specified. Huberman, A. (Host). (2022, February). Using Play to Rewire & Improve Your Brain. In Huberman Lab Podcast. Publisher.
Power of Authenticity and Speaking Directly about Our Feelings Ever catch yourself thinking, "I better keep quiet to avoid a fight" or "something's up with my partner, but I'll just play it safe..."? If your blank-filling solution doesn't involve openly discussing what's on your mind, chances are you're not really speaking directly from the heart. Expressing your true feelings can be tricky. Sometimes, we're not even sure what those feelings are. And even when we do know, fear of rejection or vulnerability can keep us from sharing. Let's be honest; talking about our feelings isn’t always fun, and it a lot of the times it’s hard to see the value. Furthermore, we think we're being open, but it comes off as blame. A good rule of thumb, is anything starting with "you..." or “I feel that you…” can sound accusatory. So that is the tricky part, even when we think we are talking about our feelings, a lot of times we are talking about our own assessment of our feelings. Semantics? There is a difference between talking about our feelings and intellectualizing our feelings. Because there is a difference, the outcomes will be different. The partner that we are speaking to will receive the information differently. Talking about our emotions, increases our chances of eliciting an empathetic response from our partner. While a talk about our feelings, invites the listening partner to give an intellectual response. When we communicate our feelings directly, it's like inviting someone into our emotional world. This openness creates a stronger sense of intimacy and trust in our relationships. According to research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2018), those who openly express emotions with their partners report higher relationship satisfaction and a deeper emotional connection. I hear this a lot, “I’m just not that emotional”. Everyone, has emotions, of course we express them differently, but our core emotion is part of our authentic self. Expressing feelings directly requires some self-reflection and awareness. As we put our emotions into words, we gain a better understanding of ourselves and what makes our emotions tick. This self-awareness can lead to personal growth and improved emotional regulation, as seen in a study published in the Journal of Psychological Science (2016). Now, let's break down why speaking directly about our feelings is such a game-changer: Reduced Misunderstandings: When we beat around the emotional bush or avoid discussing feelings, misunderstandings become more likely. Clear and honest expression minimizes the chances of our intentions being misread, making communication more effective. A study in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology (2017) found that direct emotional expression reduced misunderstandings and improved communication accuracy. Strengthened Conflict Resolution: Conflicts happen, but addressing them head-on by talking about our feelings fosters a constructive environment. Research published in the Journal of Family Communication (2019) emphasizes that direct emotional communication during conflicts leads to more productive discussions and better resolution outcomes. Emotional Release and Stress Reduction: Bottling up emotions can lead to distress and increased stress. Expressing feelings directly acts as a healthy emotional release, offering relief and promoting emotional well-being. According to a study in the Journal of Health Psychology (2015), regular emotional expression correlates with reduced stress levels and an overall improvement in mental health. Building Authentic Connections: Authenticity is the glue of genuine relationships. Speaking directly about feelings allows us to be vulnerable and genuine, fostering trust and creating a safe space for others to do the same. This nurtures authentic connections and emotional bonds. Conclusion: Speaking directly about our feelings is a transformative practice that enriches our lives and relationships. It enhances emotional connection, deepens self-awareness, reduces misunderstandings, and strengthens conflict resolution. Additionally, it provides a healthy outlet for emotional release and contributes to building authentic connections with others. So, it might feel uncomfortable or challenging at first, but embracing direct emotional expression is a crucial step towards personal growth and more fulfilling relationships. As we hone this skill, we open ourselves to the beauty of authentic connections, creating a world where vulnerability is celebrated, and emotional well-being flourishes. If you’re scared, good, that means you’re on the right track. Of course, talk about your feelings with someone you trust. If you are afraid of your listening partner’s reaction to your feelings, take note of that. That is a subject of another blog post. But for now, self-reflect, identify the emotion and talk openly. Embrace the transformative power of speaking directly about our feelings, and watch how it elevates your relationships and enriches your life. References: Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (2018). Love and other feelings: Relationships among love, emotional expressivity, and intimacy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(7), 953–971. English, T., & John, O. P. (2016). Understanding the social effects of emotion regulation: The mediating role of authenticity for individual differences in suppression. Journal of Psychological Science, 27(10), 1363–1378. Chai, K. J., Hwang, J., Hsu, Y. H., & Yuki, M. (2017). When emotion expression is ambiguous: The role of nonverbal cues in inferring feelings from behavior. Journal of Language and Social Psychology, 36(6), 667–681. Schrodt, P., Butler, C. L., & Parry, D. C. (2019). Characteristics of emotional expression during conflict: An extension of emotional intelligence and emotional expression research. Journal of Family Communication, 19(1), 18–29. Pennebaker, J. W., & Seagal, J. D. (2015). Forming a story: The health benefits of narrative. Journal of Health Psychology, 10(6), 701–717.
